When our friend Maha asked Linda and me to role play a marriage breakup for her Family Mediation course, we were again amazed at how complex and messy marital separation can be. Linda was assigned the role of Jeanie, who had enjoyed considerable affluence in her home. I was Harry, product of a single parent family offering few extras.

Jeanie had been attracted to Harry for the way he lived life with reckless abandon. He had been dazzled by her pretty face, awesome figure and party girl personality. After 5 years of marriage and a set of twins, they had agreed to separate. They asked Maha for mediation.

Maha explained she wouldn’t take sides or tell them how to resolve their differences. She encouraged them to speak to each other, using respectful language. They would set the agenda and she would endeavour to keep them on track. The following is a snippet of the role playing session.
* * *

“When we got married,” Jeanie began, “my Daddy gave me $200,000 as down payment for a home. I want that money now so I can move to Vancouver with the girls. Daddy will stop sending me money every month unless I leave Harry. Anyway, I want Harry as far away from me and the girls as possible.”

“You’ve changed a lot Jeanie,” Harry said. “That night 5 years ago when we met in Iceman’s Cave, you couldn’t keep your hands off me. When I saw the Porsche your father gave you I should have known we weren’t a good match. Two weeks and we got hitched. Now your plan leaves me nothing but the mortgage. What a fool I was!” Jeanie smirked.

“I feel I need to remind you it’s important you show respect for each other,” Maha interjected.

Harry nodded, then continued. “About that $200,000, well Honey, if you think you’re going to get it all, you need to give that pretty head of yours a serious shake. The money was given to us both. You’ve never even let me look at the cheques from your father. Did that pay for the new mustang convertible?”

Jeanie ignored the question. “Daddy has a good lawyer,” she said, scarcely concealing the derision in her voice. “He’s a partner in a big law firm in downtown Vancouver. He’ll get the money for me.”

“Let’s remember to show respect,“ Maha said. “You should both get legal clarification about the $200,000. What other issues do you want to talk about today?”

“I want sole custody of the girls,” Jeanie said. “I’m going to enrol them in a very good school in Vancouver. Harry can have visiting rights on weekends two or three times a year.”

“My Dad walked out of the family when I was a kid,” Harry countered. “Do you want our daughters to experience the kind of life I had? I’ll be asking for shared custody.”

Jeanie impatiently tapped the fingers of her finely manicured left hand on the table. “You don’t have the income. I’ll talk to Daddy’s lawyer about this. He knows all the judges.”

At the end of an hour Maha suggested they meet again in a week, after they had consulted with their lawyers and given some thought to possible solutions. She stressed it was essential they continue talking.
* * *
Having observed at close range the devastation accompanying relationship break ups, I feel prior to a marital type of commitment, a couple will benefit from seeing an experienced counsellor. Such an individual could have made Jeanie and Harry aware of the deep chasm of values and perception lying between them, and the attending risks. If they had still been determined to marry, they might have obtained help before their relationship deteriorated so badly.

Even in a toxic relationship, a counsellor or mediator can help lower the emotional temperature. In some instances, such an individual can enable a couple to understand their relationship is redeemable.

Walking away from an incendiary union without seeking help may set both individuals up for further failure or heart break in the future. We may believe we can leave our baggage behind, but that is usually wishful thinking. Time, effort and patience can bring a satisfaction that comes only from a deep commitment between two people. Overcoming the bumps contributes to the excitement and richness of a relationship.

At a class reunion this summer I became reacquainted with my former classmate, Dr. Art Friesen. Both Art and spouse Marlyce are highly regarded cardiologists. “Twenty five years ago,” Art told me, “Marlyce and I decided every vacation must have a purpose. We had a desire to give something of value to the area we were visiting.”

Initially there were five “vacations” in China, where they taught at medical schools and hospitals. They also travelled twice to The Democratic Republic of Congo. Here they taught at a medical school and helped set up a clinic. In 1998 they visited Ukraine. In this land from which Art’s parents had emigrated in the 1920’s, they found people living in precarious circumstances. “They asked us to come and help, so we did,” he said.

In 2000 they attended a meeting with other concerned individuals at the University of Toronto. Most were Mennonites from Ukraine, or had relatives there. This group developed a Non Governmental Organization (NGO) with a board of 8-10 members. Art and Marlyce are on the board. “All the members of the board are highly motivated and deeply involved in various ways”, he said. “We purchased a former girls school in eastern Ukraine, about 150 kilometres from the violence. When the school was completely renovated we established the Friends of Mennonite Centre.”

The organization is funded almost entirely by donations from individuals around the globe, although most come from Canadians. It contributes financial aid and advice to Ukrainians who want to improve their nation. “We’re a small organization,” Art said. “We don’t have many people to do the work. Anyway, it’s important that Ukrainians do the work themselves. We have 10-12 employees, including a cook.”

Many seniors in Ukraine are destitute and don’t have access to nutritious meals. Three days a week 80-120 elderly individuals show up for a free meal.

The Friends of Mennonite Centre has partnered with local governments, hospitals, orphanages and schools. “We offer help and hope in tangible ways. We assist people in dire circumstances, regardless of religion, gender or ethnic background. Sometimes people ask why we do it. I say we do it in the name of Christ.”

By Canadian standards, Ukrainian medical services are abysmally lacking. In large centres they are often at third world levels, according to Art. “In small communities they are generally hopeless. They have no budget. No one maintains the facilities or supplies medical equipment. Doctors receive $100-$200 per month. In most places they can’t live on this. Often they require payment from patients, but people don’t have the money. Our organization has paid for about 1000 medical procedures to this time. We have also established a tele-medical service.”

The Friends of Mennonite Centre has replaced the floor of a school gym. On an ongoing basis they assist destitute farmers, also mothers and families. A school for disabled and autistic children receives assistance.

Art hopes the Centre’s example will encourage the people to again build a civil society. To develop leadership, they provide scholarships to gifted students who want to improve their country. Currently they support 44 students, all attending universities in Ukraine. “When students attend universities elsewhere,” Art said, “they rarely return.”

When we were speaking by telephone recently, Art was at his computer. “Requests for help are coming in as we speak,” he told me. “A church is asking if we can provide kitchen equipment. A kindergarten needs new windows before winter. The army is requesting stoves so the soldiers can heat meals.”

More than a million refugees have left their homes due to the conflict in the neighbouring Donetsk region. The Mennonite Centre helps groups set up and operate refugee centres. Being in eastern Ukraine, most of those requiring assistance speak Russian, so communication is through an interpreter. Financially, The Centre runs a tight ship and administration expenses are less than 10 %.

Now in semi-retirement, the Friesens could be living comfortably in their Abbotsford home. What they are doing may not fit our idea of a dream vacation, but the enthusiasm in Art’s voice suggests their “vacation” decision is giving them immense satisfaction and meaning. Their example may provide a clue as to how each of us can add a serious dose of adventure and significance to our life. Anyone wanting more information on this intriguing project can google Mennonite Centre in Ukraine.

Shady Grove in Abbotsford was the ideal setting for a portion of our 3 day 55 year class reunion. We had all attended the Mennonite Educational Institute (MEI) in what was commonly known as Clearbrook, then part of Matsqui Municipality (now Abbotsford). The teaching and atmosphere of the school very much reflected the faith, culture, thinking and values that Mennonites had brought with them from Russia and several other European countries. Most of us had grown up with some version of the German language.

Mennonites were invited to emigrate to the Ukraine region in 1763 by Russian Czarina, Catherine the Great. She valued their agricultural experience and ability. Her promise of freedom of religion and military exemption was highly attractive to them. Many accepted her offer. In Russia they pretty much lived apart from the rest of the population. They established their own villages and although some became fluent in Russian, they retained German as their primary language of communication with each other. A considerable emigration to Canada, the U.S. and South America occurred in the 1880’s after the government’s military policy toward them changed. That exodus continued in ensuing decades. In many cases, they left behind virtually all their earthly belongings for the sake of their beliefs. Some did elect to remain in Russia.

My own connections with the Mennonite community and culture have become somewhat tenuous over the years, so these reunions every 5 years are highly valued events. One of the memories that I will hide deep within my psyche came as we were waiting at the entrance to the 50’s Diner, where we would have lunch. Instead of a formal spoken “thanks” to God for the food, the group sang “Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow.” Not being much of a singer, I mostly listened with a sense of awe at the wonderful 4 part harmony of many gifted, reverent voices.

Lunch consisted of traditional Mennonite “faspa”. Zwieback (buns), potato salad, farmers sausage, piroshki, platz, etc.

While eating lunch I looked around at my former classmates. Like myself, they had added many years. The dominant thought within me was “these are people of good character, people of great integrity.” Listening to some of them talk about their past, I realized that many had made a significant contribution to their community, some to their country, and at least a few had given their lives and talents to serving less fortunate people in other countries.

Shady Grove does not reflect the Mennonite heritage but it is reminiscent of the time when we were at MEI together. The owners, Abe and Elaine Suderman, have put together a phenomenal collection of classic and vintage cars, plus memorabilia from that period. It was an ideal setting for our reunion because it reminded us of the time when we were young and in high school.

Rather than write further at this time, my next post will consist of photos of former classmates and Shady Grove cars, along with comments.